Going the Distance
Recently, someone said to me: “ I am happy to be owned by God because He is infinitely loving and lovable.” At first, I had a knee-jerk reaction to the word “own” because we live in a society where the norm is that men own women, a notion that has led to so many injustices against women. I shuddered to think that I would be owned by anyone. Then as quickly as it started, my fit of righteous indignation calmed when I remembered that God is not man. We may use the deceptive pronouns, “He” “His” and “Him” but make no mistake friends; God is not man. He is not subject to the imperfections and egotistical decision-making unique to humans. Instead, His love is perfect, His anger just, His empathy unparalleled and His protective care unwavering.
I spent a lot of time in my teenage years into my 20s hoping for perfect love, the kind I read about in books and saw in the movies. Among those I loved then, I was sure my one true love would be the one to love me unconditionally. In my mind, unconditional human love would be a perfect expression of God’s love for me here on earth. Lol I laugh now at the impossibility! It just cannot be. There is no such thing as unconditional human love. Being made in God’s image did not suddenly render us capable of achieving His perfection. Easter (Resurrection) Sunday reminds us the deep lengths to which God would go to show us just how much he loves us, especially when we don’t deserve it, and even if we don’t show others the same love—he would sacrifice His only son. It’s the kind of love that brings stinging tears to my eyes because I know I am not worthy. That perfect and deep love He has for me, His own person, is a love that transcends hurt, pain, betrayal, time, reciprocity and distance, especially distance.
Hmm Distance. The word reverberated in my semi-consciousness. I could not see it but I could feel its weight. I wrestled in and out of consciousness as “DISTANCE,” “DISTANCE,” “DISTANCE” throbbed in my brain, until my eyes fluttered open gently, cautiously, at 5:45AM. I crossed myself as usual to thank God for waking me up because I was taught as a child that some people sleep the night before and don’t wake up. I rubbed my eyes to clear my blurry vision and looked at my bright phone screen, 5:47AM. Sigh. “Why can’t I just stay asleep till 7AM, or something, like a normal person?” Then I thought, “Normal, lol, what is that anyways? Wait, I remembered I had a dream! It was as unclear as dreams are at that waking hour but I felt the pain of the dream. I was crying, resisting separation, forced distance from someone I loved. I knew where it came from though I could not voice it, so I sat in silent tears, feeling hurt, betrayed, confused, used and most importantly unloved. I pondered on that word distance for a few days, sketched a word cloud to see what positivity could come out of it and talked to friends about long-distance relationships. The more I explored themes of distance, the more I realized that I wanted to write about love, about being ripped from a beautiful mid-dream high state of physical intimacy and proximity to your lover and the harsh reality of loneliness and feeling unloved when the relationship ends because proximity is no longer possible or practicable.
You see I have woken up to warm kisses on the forehead, morning smiles and laughter over coffee, bread and egg sauce, and cooked together from dusk till midnight, only to wake up at dawn ensconced in the warmth of body, hair, breath and sleep—a comfortable, sweet, physical intimate place. But, I have also woken up to the cold other side of the bed, a wintery room with no life but mine, no smiles or laughs except for the photos lining my window sill. No cooking to be done because all the week’s cooking is in the fridge ready to be reheated. No dancing because dancing reminds you who you want to be dancing with.
Most people choose not to be in long-distance relationships because it is no easy feat and the possibility of failure is scary. After all, most of our relationships in life are proximity-based. But every now and then, you will meet someone who says, “I’m willing to do long-distance, if my partner is willing to do same and if we really have something special.” Ditto! That something special is the secret sauce and I think the right phrase is a spiritual connection. It is a soul bond that transcends physicality and is assured of a love that is so constant and so stable that like a boomerang it will always come back to you. Do you not yearn like I do for that spiritual connection with another person? I know the high that we get when we’re with our lovers, the objects of our affection, is magical, but it is also fleeting. You keep coming back to refuel. The connection that is deeply spiritual, however, with someone equally-yoked transcends your body and location and stays in the realm of the intangible. I have often wondered, wow God can I actually love a person so much that my spirit, soul and mind connection are so yoked to said person, that though I cannot physically be with them for a time, I cannot actually imagine life without them? TBD on that, but the feeling represents the kind of love that Christ calls us to have for God. It is a love so pure and perfect that maybe it only exists in the pursuit of that vertical relationship with God and not in the horizontal relationship with our lovers. But what if it could? Imagine having that same constancy and reliability of intimacy and relationship that we have developed with God whom we have never seen or touched with a human being that we can? Okay, I’m high off my own wishful thinking, lol.
In any case, I know comparing God’s love and man’s love is an unrealistic comparison but I couldn’t resist because the Gospel of Matthew tells us that Christ called us to be perfect as our heavenly father is perfect. Perhaps though, on deeper reflection, the greater message is that since we know God is not man, we should stop seeking for perfection in people. God is perfect but human beings are only trying to get there. The sooner we develop this emotional intelligence in our romantic relationships, the happier we become. As Christians, we have been taught to spend time developing a relationship of intimacy with God through constant communication with Him and knowledge of Him or perhaps we found that relationship through a miracle, a radical personal transformation. So, though we have not seen Him or touched Him, we have felt Him. Though, we do not know His form nor His appearance, we have developed such a rich and deep spiritual bond that we cry to be saved or just heard.
Friends, as we strive for spiritual closeness in our relationships, I pray you begin to look at physicality differently. Not as something you don’t desire because you do, it is a big part of the human experience, but as something of secondary importance to being spiritually yoked in God. The wait, as Yvonne Orji says, is sexy because there is more to the wait. You can take a leap of faith in long-distance relationships for the right person because there is something more to be gained and the distance is only a mirage. And our long-distance relationship with God—well, that will end when we are called to our Maker. By then, we pray that we will have cultivated one of the strongest, most loving and fulfilling relationships of our lives through discipline and faithfulness.
As a parting gift, I will leave you with these seven passages of scripture that speak for themselves. Whenever you find yourself struggling with separation, going the distance, love, physical intimacy, spiritual connection, or anything in between, I hope you will come here for inspiration, solace and perspective.
“I may have all the faith needed to move mountains--but if I have no love, I am nothing. Love is Patient and kind, not jealous or conceited or proud, not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable, does not keep a record of wrongs, not happy with evil but is happy with the truth; love never gives up, and its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal.”— 1 Corinthians 13:2-8
“You, O Lord are a merciful and loving God, always patient, always kind and faithful.”-- Psalms 86:15
“You must be perfect—just as your Father in heaven is perfect.”— Matthew 5:48
“Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God—what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.”-- Romans 12:2
“When I was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways. What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror then we shall see face to face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete—as complete as God’s knowledge of me. Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love. It is love, then that you should strive for. Set your hearts on the spiritual gifts.”-- 1 Corinthians 14:1
“And God showed his love for us by sending his only Son into the world, so that we might have life through him. This is what love is: it is not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son to be the means by which our sins are forgiven. Dear friends, if this is how God loved us, then we should love one another. No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in union with us, and his love is made perfect in us.”— 1 John 4:9-12
“There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid. For we cannot love God, whom we have not seen, if we do not love others, whom we have seen. The command that Christ has given us is this: whoever loves God must love others also.”-1 John 4:18-21
