Fear
Ughh today I feel like crap. Fear creeps in again like a familiar but unwelcome guest in my mind. Why do I feel so inadequate even when I am recording wins? Probably because this shallow world creates this weird dichotomy of winners and losers and as a Type A person I obsess over being on the winning side of the table. Guilt follows the fear because I know people who have worse luck than my blessed lot in life, or at least feel that way. Those who would cringe if they were to hear me complain because it takes every ounce of courage in them to wake up every day and have a go at it again and again and again in this casino called life. For them, I have to get over myself and shake the feelings of inadequacy. Not because I am not entitled to my feelings but because my purpose in life is to empower them to BE and not to wallow in me.
When my soul is restless, I go for long walks alongside no one. It’s therapeutic. Nothing but the cool breeze is my companion. I am comforted by the noise on busy streets until I turn into quiet avenues. Then, I can really hear myself and she is loud, my loudest critic. But I don’t always want to hear myself think, so, I run for a bit. When you’re running, you can’t really think or hear much. Eventually, I slow down, catch my breath and stroll. Before the thoughts flood me, like a fly on the wall, I eavesdrop on some of the surrounding conversation. “This oga don tire me, I swear, haba!”, “I go show my neighbour serious pepper”, “I’m going to give that guy a piece of my mind, who does he think he is?” or “so when are you going to tell her how you REALLY feel?” L.O.L! Somehow, other people’s conversations seem so much more interesting than the ones in my head. Or, maybe not so much interesting as they are distracting. When I engage in their own woes, it leaves little room to think about mine.
Finally, I return home, shower and practically jump in bed, my head hitting the pillow. I look up and find my mantra wall decal staring at me: “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” I smile and thank God for the reminder. I remember why I put it up there. It’s a reminder to be kinder to myself, to be more patient, to be more hopeful, to be more faithful. I may envision some grandiose life achievement I should have by now in order to rate myself, but I AM my own goals every day! You are too! You’re not a winner or loser, you are God’s child filled with talents and fruits of the Holy Spirit. They shine brightest when you are led by God not by your whims or caprices. Let Him take care of you every day. The blessings you seek will surely come to you, at the right time, and not a second sooner or later.
So, my dear community of self-doubters, be of good courage! Know that while you are at home in the body, you are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5: 6-7.
